It’s been a while, and I’m still struggling with my own identity. I know who I’m not. I’m not all the people I try to be like on a daily basis. I’m not the Bloggess (unless she’s having a really weird dream). I’m not even the person I try to be when I try to please someone else. I feel like the kid who’s always picked last, or the know-it-all in the classroom that the teacher doesn’t want to call on. I feel like I’m jumping up and down in the background, my hand in the air, calling out, “ooh, ooh! Pick me! Pick me!” I so desperately want to impress that I lose anything about me that might be impressive. I think I’ve lost my spirit.
But I’m trying to get it back. I’m more than halfway through my NaNoWriMo book. I know, I know, November is almost over, but I can’t seem to find a place to write on weekends, so I only write during weekdays. Thus it takes me 6 weeks to finish. But that’s ok. I’m doing this my way, and I’m still enjoying the ride. No one is looking over my shoulder and yelling, or saying I’m doing it wrong. And it’s getting done. So there.
I also started to run again. I’ve been off the bandwagon for over a year now, and it’s time to get back on. I feel better when I run. So even though it’s a struggle, it’s a struggle I’m willing to make.
I’d like to start to knit again, too. But my first thought it, “Who am I knitting for?” And that’s really not helpful. That’s part of the who-can-I-impress mentality. So I’m just knitting. At best it could be a scarf when I’m done, but it’s me, knitting. And I’m trying to learn a new way of knitting, to make it faster. Of course the new way is slower right now, because it’s new, and thus frustrating. Such is life.
And that’s about it for now. The only major news is that my horrible boss resigned, so a major source of stress has gone. But the sad thing is, I don’t really feel any differently. So was he the reason I was unhappy, or was I? Or is the shock just still too new to register? I guess we’ll see in the coming weeks, though the addition of Christmas stress may mask any good effects that come up.
Thanks for reading and hang in there everyone!