You ever feel like you’re all alone in the world? Or feel so terribly lonely, even though you’re in the middle of a crowded room? Or that no one gets you, even when you’re with friends? I do. Often. And the feeling is coming more frequently.
It doesn’t make sense though, does it? I shouldn’t feel lonely when I’m with people, yet I do. I think it’s because I don’t feel like anyone hears me. Like the song, “Mr. Cellophane,” I often feel like no one even knows I’m there. I try to make my presence felt. I try to contribute to the conversation, but I often feel like I’m intruding, and I don’t know if I’m picking up a real feeling or if it’s all in my head. And it’s not like I can ask.
Maybe I really don’t fit, at least with the people I’m around currently. I have to hope that my “peeps” are out there, and I just have to find them. It’s not so easy these days, though.
Back in school it was easy to meet new people. Like-minded people were everywhere. Or at least it seemed that way. Now the only people I’m around on a consistent basis are my co-workers, and I feel like such an outcast around them. They all have their “cliques,” for lack of a better word, and I just don’t belong.
I don’t know how to make friends, anymore. I know I can pretend, and wiggle into whatever group I want, but I’m tired of pretending. I sometimes feel like I’ve been pretending most of my life to be something I’m not, just so I would be accepted. Or acceptable. But I don’t want to pretend anymore.
I’ve pretended so long I have trouble remembering who I really am. I’m afraid if I keep pretending I’ll do even more damage. But I’m also afraid of being alone. Terribly, awfully, desperately afraid. But if I’m not me, I’ll always BE alone, no matter how many “friends” I have. It’s a terrible conundrum.
Is there anyone out there like me?